Words that sound cute but actually suck...

Baby blues, and happy spitter. They sound pretty painless but actually will kick your ass. A happy spitter is a baby who spits up...A LOT. It's terrifying to feed your tiny little newborn only to watch them throw back up everything he just ingested. And it's even more frustrating when you are reduced to eating graham crackers and chicken b/c you don't know why he can't keep your milk down. Suggestions from strangers inserted here (maybe he's lactose intolerant, allergic to dairy, green things might make him gassy, allergic to nuts, avoid the caffeine and chocolate oh yeah and carbonation or feed more or less or more often or less often or burp him more or burp him less, keep him upright or maybe you should lay him flat). I find the spitting up offensive and rude. It would be like if you invited me over for dinner and after you slaved away in the kitchen all day I promptly finished my meal and then stuck my finger down my throat and threw it back up...on you. HOW RUDE! He doesn't even appear embarrassed or mad about it. He just spits up on me or in my hair or down my back and then yells at me for more. Little tyrant! He's also taken to screaming like a frickin' wounded Teradactyl everytime we remove the bottle from his lips to try and get a burp out him. I know, I know tough love BUT if we let him scream and gasp in all that extra air then he's sure to spit up. It's kind of like when you binge drink and then hyperventilate while doing the roger rabbitt on the dance floor. Someone may stop you but chances are you have taken in waaaaaay too much air not to vomit! Same basic concept...man I miss college. He's lucky he's cute 'cause there's a fire station literally right down the street.
Baby blues sounds adorable doesn't it? Like maybe a cd you'd receive as a gift with purchase when you pick up the phone and order those pajama jeans! Well, it's not. As if it's not bad enough that I was reduced to a confused weepy mess meandering around the house with the ice pack or frozen peas shoved into my large cheap cotton after birth panties but then they gave it some dumbass name like baby blues. It's more annoying than when someone tells you you have a case of the Mondays and you're already in a bad mood. So let me get this straight. I can't sit down 'cause it feels like I'm sitting on a watermelon. I can't sleep because my child is either screaming his head off, spitting up in my face or shitting a waterfall of poo on me and now I'm going to laugh and cry at the same time! FREAKIN' AWESOME! Remind me again how teenage girls pull this off? Nevermind, teen mom marathon is on...this'll make me feel better!

P.S. I unfortunately have fallen madly in love with this little shit so I will be removing my "free to a good home" Craigslist ad and have a strange feeling my Facebook account is about to be overrun with close up shots of his face.

Holy freakin' game changer. This shit is NO joke!

I don't even know where to begin. He never came. He just never came. We waited and we waited and we waited....2 weeks late and HE NEVER CAME. I beg, pleaded and was to a reduced to a squishy naked blubbering ball on the floor begging for him to just come already and his response....silence. So, we induced. Basically we had to evict him or I think he may have lived inside me forever and I'm not a fan of home schooling so what else were we to do!
Well some people who read this blog don't have children so I'll spare you the nasty details of labor...I'll just touch on the highlights. When I asked my sister what labor was like she quoted the genius Amy Poehler in Baby Mama and said "felt like I was shitting knives" (I didn't believe her at that time). Now I do. I honestly thought I was going to be one of the 520 maternal deaths in US per year. I was going to become just a number. My husband would become a motivational speaker touring the country telling the tail and holding up our son while others cheered his strength and skinny young blonds stuffed their phone numbers in his pocket. Well, screw you skinny hoochies I lived! I lived. All I can say is thank you epidural. Yes, I said it! Thank you epidural. I went from a vomiting, crying, shaking mess to a well...just a nervous determined mess. A mere 22 hours after checking in we had a baby boy. Whew...now to keep him alive!

Dangling by a VERY thin thread.

Since I have become with child and my brain has been sucked of crucial blood flow I have:

1- Backed into a large brick column in my own driveway

2-Rewashed gawd knows how many loads of laundry b/c I can't remember there in there...2 days later HOLY sour

3- Threatened a tween age boy within an inch of his life if he didn't pipe down during my babymoon fancy dinner with Michael in Atlanta

4-Obsessed, yelled, laughed, and cried (sometimes at the same time) by some of the unbelievable and terrifying things that have fallen out of Michael's mouth (ex. Why would we need a changing table for more than 3 months? Won't he be done with that by then?)

And then Monday came.....

I hit the ground running ready to attack the day. While in the shower I decide, yes my husband should get some damnit. Apparently there's a rumor going around that ALL husbands/baby daddies of pregnant woman are told there woman will get horny in the 2nd trimester. BULLSHIT! But that's neither here nor there..back to the shower. Since I'm hell bent on keeping my husband around throughout the pregnancy all I have to offer at this point is the s-e-x ---certainly not the funny quirky gal he fell in love with! First things first, get my vajayjay in order. Razor - check, shave gel - check, vajayjay---no check. WTF!?! She's gone. She's gone. I can't see her! I CAN'T see her! It's bad enough she changed color and I thought I had vajayjay cancer(coast is clear on that) but now she's disappeared entirely underneath my stomach. RIDICULOUS! I had to lean over to find her and to my horror have to admit she has been incredibly neglected. I guess I was busy waxing the newest (visible) hair patches to sprout around my body. 30 minutes later she's lookin as best as can be expected and I'm out and ready to attack the day.

Getting ready to run out the door to a listing appointment Michael casually mentions that maybe later on we can go look at strollers and make a decision. Frickin' strollers! 6 different types and that's not even mentioning the brands, price range, safety, useability. So, no I am not excited about going out AGAIN to narrow down a stroller selection. Normal Lexapro me would write say something like "sure, honey this week we can make that happen!" But crazy, rageaholic me leaves the house in a frazzled rage. Hop in the car running late reverse out the driveway and BAM--METAL. I drive smack into the side of Michael's car.

Why he doesn't go Ike Turner on me at this point is BEYOND me?! Maybe this process is teaching him patience or maybe he's secretly moving out of the house one item at a time. Either way I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm also fairly sure I didn't get the listing as I marched up in there mascara smeared down my face, sweating buckets and CLEARLY frazzled.

Rest of the day pretty much a wash as I'm just exhausted....

Oh yeah, went to the grocery store gonna make some salmon and rice and salad..mmmmmm

Check out, get to car and realize I have bought everything EXCEPT the flippin' salmon.

And yes to answer the burning question on your mind, he got some.

Gotta go, there's gray hairs to be plucked from my head, black hairs to be waxed from my belly and let's not even think about the beard/new pimples that have no doubt blossomed throughout the day!

It's a......

BOY! Holy crap it has a penis...and for that matter balls. INSANE! Ours was quite the little performer (where does he get that from?!?!) at the ultrasound yesterday. Look mommy I can pounce on your bladder with both feet the whole time you're looking at me! Michael immediately believes he's athletic...ummmm ok. And then WHAM-MO he pees inside my belly! NASTY nasty nasty factor just went up a ton.... I can also point my index finger (Michael believes he was showing us his guns)...I think he was about to pick his nose. Then changed his mind and smacked himself in the face...so he's graceful just like his mother!

Read on the internet they also get little how shall I put this hard-ons while in the womb! THAT explains A LOT about many of ex's now! He appears to have a brain--a LARGE genius size brain..pretty easy to guess what Michael thinks looked large as well! MEN! Can't live with 'em...can't make a baby without their sperm.

Baby boy! The soccer fields of America will never be the same again!

Holy freakin' decisions!

Jeezus! I mean literally Jesus. Among the many decisions we'll, I'll, be making in the next second is day care. Apparently it's a black market here in Savannah. WHO KNEW?!?! The second I got pregnant I was told you better get on the list here and take cupcakes to these people there and become friends with this mom over there. Did I mention I'm off alcohol, and Lexapro...probably not the best time to try and make friends. Let's be honest the ones I have are holding on by a thread waiting to have the old fun me back! PLUS those who know me won't be to shocked at the acknowledgement that ass kissing has never been my strong suit. If I think you're a d-bag sooner or later it's gonna slip out...so moving away from the "it's who you know day care center".

What I'd ideally like is somewhere clean and free of major diseases that smells fresh (with a splash of clorox) and is painted (preferably low-voc) in the right hues to encourage genius behavior with a side of quick wit. In a perfect world it would be staffed with patient, loving, CPR trained medical professionals who choose to come to work every day(because they aren't doing it for the money). No where in my perfect daycare dream did I mention Jesus. I don't have a problem with Jesus--so I don't need you freakin' out on me-- I just don't want daycare to be about Jesus. Can't it just be about the day care of my child? Really, is that too much to ask for? I toured one facility and holy testimony. 45 minutes inside what I can only assume at one point was a cleaning closet now turned "nursing room" hearing a testimony about how Jesus lead her to open this day care. Jesus, led her to quit her job and not have one for over a year...my momma always taught me not to quit one job until you have another but anywho...She was a very pretty lady (her highlights were worth every penny). Took the 10 minute tour and at the end end when it was time for questions all I wanted to know was "Who is your hair stylist?"

Speaking of hair mine looks fabulous!!! I gots my grays colored and they are sooooo pretty. That is sure to distract people from the beard, and mustache I'm dealing with. Michael and I have taken it to a new level of romance...he helped my wax my happy trail. Sooooo sexy!

Tankinis, and Fishin'!

I finally got my swollen, sweaty, pimply butt out of the house and onto our boat. A morning of fishing..and yes, mother, Michael drove the boat slow, what could be more fun?!?!? I squeezed into my tankini (that I actually already owned b/c at some point I thought I had a big stomach--bahahahah if the old me could see the preggo me!) and off we go.

I totally lubed up ('cause I've been told preggers burn faster than the non-carriers out there). 5o on my face and all we had was 15 so I put it on 2x to make a 30. We get to the spot and start the fishing. Well, the fish catching was out of control. EVERY cast we were catching fish. Several things I hadn't considered. Apparently I used my stomach as a great place to set the fishing pole so I had to hold it under my arm. Sounds fine until you have to jerk the pole and then I basically knock myself in the left boob EVERY SINGLE TIME. Also, we use live bait. Shrimp to be exact. Now, I've always had a soft spot for the animals of the world (we're a catch and release family) but I never considered the live shrimp. Until now. Every time I lean down to pick out a shrimp I think of the poor shrimp mom and dad, nieces, nephews and other shrimp family members desperately cowering in the corner of the live well as one of their own gets plucked from his world. I sucked it up and fished but it was a little sad. I tried to only use the REALLY big shrimp 'cause I'm thinking they've had a pretty good run of it.

What was supposed to be a day of boating turned into 3 hours. Not sure what happened but I went from normal to defcon 4 in like 15 minutes. We were cruising along and BAM starvation smacked me square in the ass. That followed up in under 2 minutes with a feeling of "holy shit it's hot". When did it get this damn hot? My skin is going to burst into flame. Damn it's really freakin' hot. I can't take it. It's too damn hot. Poor Michael, was the only other living being on the boat (besides the shrimp) and he once again had that deer in headlights look followed up with giving me a bag of sun chips and silence.

A nice cold shower was perfect. While toweling off I notice that apparently my tankini wasn't fully covering my rapidly expanding abdominal area and I have a real country come to town burn line running right under my belly button for about an inch. If the redneck yacht club is looking for a new president I think I may the overwhelming favorite...and that's not even sharing my latest hair growth/home wax experiment with you.

That's a pretty comical experiment. It all started with...oh hell no time for that now. Gotta get going on the bio oil/night time regime/war against stretchmarks.
Later!

I'll see your "sick and tired" and a raise you a "sick and pregnant"

Here I wander the earth sweaty, boobs swollen, broken out like a 14 year old who now has a weird version of a baby bump/beer belly thing happening. Not cute that people want to touch it but jiggly and odd that causes 99% of people I know to question is she pregnant or just drinking her way through this recession. When WHAM-O, here comes a damn summer cold immediately followed by a sinus infection from HELL! So, what's a jiggly pregnant gal to do? Well, I'll tell ya. NOT A HELLUVA LOT! As I'm sucking on my 47th Halls menthol lozenge, I happen to think "Hey, I can have these right?!?!". What did pregnant women do without google? I'll tell you what they probably got to finish that 47th cough lozenge. Not me, as I read that "menthol can cause contractions". FRICK! FRICK! FRICK!

Next up the neti pot. Looks cute. Shaped like a geni's bottle and very fung shuiish. How hard can it be? Pour salt water into one nostril it will magically come out of 2nd nostril and in just an unlimited amount of sessions I'll be cured. All you have to do is breath in out and from your mouth and pour! The first 2 days was great. It was cool to see pour water in one nostril and have it come out the other one. Really neat. No real change in my misery but neat none the less.

Than day 3 when the real sinus infection kicks in. At the sink, head tilted, pot in nostril, pouring perfectly.....nothing coming out the other nostril. So I tilt my head a little further maybe needing some more gravity I think. And then BAM I'm drowning. FRICKIN' drowning as the water gushes down my throat (where I'm breathing from 'member?). Not to be gross but not just salt water, nasty nose (sick nose) salt water. Not only am I drowning but now my unborn child is having to drink my nasty booger salt water. Needless to say, I end up hacking until I'm crying and then just crying 'cause I can't breath...which increases my mucus production closing off any air hole that did exist in the damn nostrils. Michael stands behind me just saying he's sorry. He's getting used to saying that A LOT. Even when he has nothing to be sorry for, good man.

Needless to say, neti-pot has been stored deep in the back of the kitchen sink banished forever. I have broken down and begun taking Sudafed...before you all FREAK out and email me that I can't have that, it's the regular kind and yes I can! Called my doctor 2x to confirm. Sweet relief.

Lastly something funny happened. Michael and I were laying in bed and I had just snuggled down up against my body pillow when I felt a weird flutter inside my stomach. A freakin' flutter inside my stomach. I kind of spazzed when it happen. Quickly rolling away. Staring at the ceiling, I exclaimed "holy shit, something just happened." Michael just stares at me. Then I wait. With big eyes, hardly breathing, kind of like you do when you wake in the middle of the night and think you heard something. But then......nothing. Was it indigestion? Am I about to toot? Burp? Sneeze? Nothing. So, I guess that was my first feeling something.

INfrickinSANE! Brace yourselves beatches, it looks like we're having baby.